Terryorisms

More of “As the World Bopps Along” May 8, 2011

Posted by tkcollier in Humor, In The News, News and politics.
Tags: Entertainment, Humor, In the News
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Rim Shots

There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife.There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.

President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, ‘I could have used seals?

It should be pointed out that on the same night Obama was sending a SEAL team to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk.

I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet, in this case — uhhhh, no. I’m good with it.

Apparently there is some controversy over Bin Laden’s last words. One report said that they were: “Damn it! ‘What on earth could be interrupting ‘Celebrity Apprentice?!”

Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Not to be outdone, on the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.

But most seem to

think that his last words were probably more along the lines of what what most Somali pirates, Al Qaeda bigwigs, and other bad guys usually say when hearing that a SEAL team has come out to play.. : “Oh, crap!”

BIN LADEN STILL DEAD

Trump takes credit, reports being “proud of myself.”

Bin Laden and his security team are usually much more vigilant, but they were all distracted watching Royal Wedding highlights.

The Republicans will credit extension of the Bush tax cuts for the success of the mission.

Klan wizard Donald Trump and his Buffoons of Bigotry Brigade (they need a new name now that ‘Birthers’ is passe) will claim it’s a hoax and demand to see the long-form death certificate.

“I’ve never wished a man dead . . . but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure” – Mark Twain

SEAL team Six has an official motto: “The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday”.They also have an unofficial motto (I’m not making this up) which they refer to as WGMATTS. The acronym is for “We get more @ss than toilet seats”. Hey, what do you expect? These are hard-core, to-the-death fighters on a team so black-ops that it technically doesn’t exist. For them, on most missions, like this last one, failure is not an option. It’s either succeed or you don’t come home.So the unofficial motto is part of a darkly macho sense of humor that keeps them going.

They are the best of the best at what they do, and they fight the worst of the worst, and we’re d@mn fortunate to have them on our side. And as far as this American is concerned, lads . . . get some . . . you’ve earned it.

WORLD NEWS

LAST-MINUTE PROBLEMS NEARLY TORPEDOED ROYAL WEDDING

Queen reportedly was upset by learning that the couple have decided to have an open marriage.

Foreign Minister Says Japan Once Again Open for Business

Crippled Fukushima nuclear power plant rebranded as tourist attraction.

Iran: Ahmadinejad Rumored Stepping Down

According to publicist for “Dancing With the Stars.”

U.S. to Give Libyan Rebels $25 Million in Non-Lethal Aid

Half in tanning technology, half in acting classes.

McCain Pushing Libyan Escalation

“Roughly a half-million U.S. troops and it will be a cakewalk.”

ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .

Visitors, Banned for 20 Years, Once Again Allowed in Leaning Tower of Pisa

Catastrophic accident insurance now included in price of admission.

(from The Onion) Vatican Beatifies John Paul II As Patron Saint of Ignoring a Serious Problem Until You Die

And then being credited with performing a “miracle” for something that happened AFTER you were dead

U. S. NEWS

Petraeus Replaces Panetta at CIA,

Panetta Replaces Gates at Defense

Gates waits for his Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Alleged WikiLeaks Leaker Released From Solitary Confinement

In slight nod to Constitution.

Obama Says New Task Force Will Examine Gas Prices

To see if they’re high or low.

CEOs at 200 Biggest Companies Earned 20% More Last Year

“But the stress,” says one.

REMINDER

Always have your original long-form birth certificate handy.

Report: Most Corporate Political Spending Undisclosed

Urges our elected representatives, who ran and won using undisclosed money from undisclosed donors, to investigate.

Feds Shut Down Three Major Online Poker Sites

Unemployment rate jumps to 23%.

POLL

45% of Republicans Believe Obama Born in Another Country

12% said they don’t know; the rest couldn’t understand the question.

REMINDER

Wear a cheap suit for The Rapture, May 21

Oklahoma House Votes “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” Official State Gospel Song

Official State Education Song: “Don’t Know Much About History.”

POLITICS

Jerome Corsi’s book “Where’s The Birth Certificate?” a No. 1 Best Seller Before Its Release

Note: author has since hastily changed title to “Where’s the College Transcript?”

PEOPLE

Lindsay Lohan Sentenced to 120 Hours Cleaning Toilets at Morgue

Familiar surroundings to anyone who’s spent some time in nightclub bathrooms at 4 AM.

ENTERTAINMENT

Schwarzenegger to Star in New “Terminator” Film

A body double will do his stunts, his voice will be dubbed by another actor, and everything else will be computer generated.

BUSINESS

Exxon Announces $11 Billion in Earnings for First Quarter

Will spend it lobbying to keep tax breaks.

Gold Soars Above $1500

Frankincense, myrrh hit all-time highs.

72% Say Raise Taxes on the Rich

28% say eat them.

California Wine Company Asks Court to Declare its “Mommyjuice” Doesn’t Violate Rival’s “Mommy’s Time Out” Trademark

Or their “Mommy’s Getting’ Her Drank On” or “Mommy’s Drunk Now,” or “Mommy’s Soused, Get Lost, Kiddo” brands.

SCIENCE

Poll: Baby Boomers Say Age An Asset in Workplace

Takes experience to make a good cup of coffee for your young boss.

Ability to Recognize Faces Inherited

Those without this gene become receptionists.

Search for Extraterrestrial Life Halted Due to Lack of Funds

Money needed to scan borders for illegal aliens.

Probe Sends Back First Close-Up Pictures of Mercury

So far, no signs of tuna.

INTERNET

Majority of Internet Users Never Click on Ads

Most say they’re afraid to be sucked into a hellish nightmare by a computer worm that steals their identity, robs them blind and leaves them begging for food through the barred windows of a debtor’s prison.

ENVIRONMENT

Gray Wolves Dropped From Endangered Species List

Move expected to result in their quick return to list.

MISCELLANEOUS

U.S. in Lowest Third of Developed Countries In Time Spent Eating

Hey, we just don’t dawdle around when it comes to our McNuggets.

Arizona Governor Approves Tea Party License Plates

The anti-tax group’s plates will be paid for with a new tax.

Afghanistan: Buzkashi Championships Begin Under Cloud of Scandal

Apparently some of the horsemen fighting over a headless goat carcass are “juiced.”

Austrian Homeowner Discovers Incredible Treasure Digging In His Yard

Writes book telling readers how to find incredible treasure digging in their yards.

KIDZ KORNER

Plutocracy n. a system of government in which the rich, or the very rich, or a real small percentage of the population at the very top of the….oh, hell, just look at the colorful chart:

TECHNOLOGY

Apple, Google Admit Tracking Your Every Move

But no worries, its only to replace you with a cyborg at some future date.

LAW

Bratz Wins Stunner in U.S. Court, Mattel Considers Its Options

According to We’ll-Appeal Barbie.

POLL

7 in 10 Feel Country Headed In Wrong Direction

But no two of those seven can agree on what the right direction would be.

Pop Quiz

10.7 billion + 6.3 billion + 3 billion + 5.48 billion + 6.21 billion = ?

A ) 31.69 billion

B ) 69.13 billion

C ) 36.91 billion

D ) 1st quarter profits (not revenue) reported by the top 5 Big Oil companies

Hint: do you drive?

TRAVEL

University of Virginia to Renovate Edgar Allen Poe’s Dorm Room

First, will get rid of annoying birds.

HEALTH, MEDICINE

Study: Americans’ Bad Health Habits Unchanged in Last Decade

We’re still a nation of fat, sedentary drunks about to collapse into the gutter of history

ODDS ‘N’ ENDS

England Royally Amused by Man Who Tattooed Royal Couple on His Teeth

Even more royally amused by the fact that the man is Prince Charles.

This Just In!

• Obama should release college transcript, says Bush
• Thirty-seven trapped in data mine
• Spin Doctors Without Borders head to Middle East
• Seniors nix euthanasia as a ‘quick fix’ for Social Security
• Exports lag imports, say experts
• Benevolent dictators coalition embraces humane executions
• Trump promises to rid government of incompetent B-list celebrities
• Bin Laden says ‘I’ve been killed’ in new video
• Tweet Pulitzer goes to unknown
• Romney forms self-exploratory committee
• Firewalkers get cold feet
• Oil companies tout solar-powered gas stations
• FAA ends 36-hour shifts
• Global warming ‘tip of the iceberg’
• High price of hay prompts Amish to take public transportation
• Dictators meet in emergency session
• Trilateral Commission split