More of “As the World Bopps Along” May 8, 2011Posted by tkcollier in Humor, In The News, News and politics.
Tags: Entertainment, Humor, In the News
There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife.There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, ‘I could have used seals?
It should be pointed out that on the same night Obama was sending a SEAL team to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk.
I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet, in this case — uhhhh, no. I’m good with it.
Apparently there is some controversy over Bin Laden’s last words. One report said that they were: “Damn it! ‘What on earth could be interrupting ‘Celebrity Apprentice?!”
Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Not to be outdone, on the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.
But most seem to
think that his last words were probably more along the lines of what what most Somali pirates, Al Qaeda bigwigs, and other bad guys usually say when hearing that a SEAL team has come out to play.. : “Oh, crap!”
BIN LADEN STILL DEAD
Trump takes credit, reports being “proud of myself.”
Bin Laden and his security team are usually much more vigilant, but they were all distracted watching Royal Wedding highlights.
The Republicans will credit extension of the Bush tax cuts for the success of the mission.
Klan wizard Donald Trump and his Buffoons of Bigotry Brigade (they need a new name now that ‘Birthers’ is passe) will claim it’s a hoax and demand to see the long-form death certificate.
“I’ve never wished a man dead . . . but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure” – Mark Twain
SEAL team Six has an official motto: “The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday”.They also have an unofficial motto (I’m not making this up) which they refer to as WGMATTS. The acronym is for “We get more @ss than toilet seats”. Hey, what do you expect? These are hard-core, to-the-death fighters on a team so black-ops that it technically doesn’t exist. For them, on most missions, like this last one, failure is not an option. It’s either succeed or you don’t come home.So the unofficial motto is part of a darkly macho sense of humor that keeps them going.
They are the best of the best at what they do, and they fight the worst of the worst, and we’re d@mn fortunate to have them on our side. And as far as this American is concerned, lads . . . get some . . . you’ve earned it.
Queen reportedly was upset by learning that the couple have decided to have an open marriage.
Foreign Minister Says Japan Once Again Open for Business
Crippled Fukushima nuclear power plant rebranded as tourist attraction.
Iran: Ahmadinejad Rumored Stepping Down
According to publicist for “Dancing With the Stars.”
U.S. to Give Libyan Rebels $25 Million in Non-Lethal Aid
Half in tanning technology, half in acting classes.
McCain Pushing Libyan Escalation
“Roughly a half-million U.S. troops and it will be a cakewalk.”
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .
Visitors, Banned for 20 Years, Once Again Allowed in Leaning Tower of Pisa
Catastrophic accident insurance now included in price of admission.
(from The Onion) Vatican Beatifies John Paul II As Patron Saint of Ignoring a Serious Problem Until You Die
And then being credited with performing a “miracle” for something that happened AFTER you were dead
U. S. NEWS
Petraeus Replaces Panetta at CIA,
Panetta Replaces Gates at Defense
Gates waits for his Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Alleged WikiLeaks Leaker Released From Solitary Confinement
In slight nod to Constitution.
Obama Says New Task Force Will Examine Gas Prices
To see if they’re high or low.
CEOs at 200 Biggest Companies Earned 20% More Last Year
“But the stress,” says one.
Always have your original long-form birth certificate handy.
Report: Most Corporate Political Spending Undisclosed
Urges our elected representatives, who ran and won using undisclosed money from undisclosed donors, to investigate.
Feds Shut Down Three Major Online Poker Sites
Unemployment rate jumps to 23%.
12% said they don’t know; the rest couldn’t understand the question.
Wear a cheap suit for The Rapture, May 21
Oklahoma House Votes “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” Official State Gospel Song
Official State Education Song: “Don’t Know Much About History.”
Jerome Corsi’s book “Where’s The Birth Certificate?” a No. 1 Best Seller Before Its Release
Note: author has since hastily changed title to “Where’s the College Transcript?”
Familiar surroundings to anyone who’s spent some time in nightclub bathrooms at 4 AM.
Schwarzenegger to Star in New “Terminator” Film
A body double will do his stunts, his voice will be dubbed by another actor, and everything else will be computer generated.
Will spend it lobbying to keep tax breaks.
Gold Soars Above $1500
Frankincense, myrrh hit all-time highs.
72% Say Raise Taxes on the Rich
28% say eat them.
California Wine Company Asks Court to Declare its “Mommyjuice” Doesn’t Violate Rival’s “Mommy’s Time Out” Trademark
Or their “Mommy’s Getting’ Her Drank On” or “Mommy’s Drunk Now,” or “Mommy’s Soused, Get Lost, Kiddo” brands.
Poll: Baby Boomers Say Age An Asset in Workplace
Takes experience to make a good cup of coffee for your young boss.
Ability to Recognize Faces Inherited
Those without this gene become receptionists.
Money needed to scan borders for illegal aliens.
So far, no signs of tuna.
Majority of Internet Users Never Click on Ads
Most say they’re afraid to be sucked into a hellish nightmare by a computer worm that steals their identity, robs them blind and leaves them begging for food through the barred windows of a debtor’s prison.
Move expected to result in their quick return to list.
U.S. in Lowest Third of Developed Countries In Time Spent Eating
Hey, we just don’t dawdle around when it comes to our McNuggets.
Arizona Governor Approves Tea Party License Plates
The anti-tax group’s plates will be paid for with a new tax.
Apparently some of the horsemen fighting over a headless goat carcass are “juiced.”
Austrian Homeowner Discovers Incredible Treasure Digging In His Yard
Writes book telling readers how to find incredible treasure digging in their yards.
Apple, Google Admit Tracking Your Every Move
But no worries, its only to replace you with a cyborg at some future date.
According to We’ll-Appeal Barbie.
7 in 10 Feel Country Headed In Wrong Direction
But no two of those seven can agree on what the right direction would be.
10.7 billion + 6.3 billion + 3 billion + 5.48 billion + 6.21 billion = ?
A ) 31.69 billion
B ) 69.13 billion
C ) 36.91 billion
D ) 1st quarter profits (not revenue) reported by the top 5 Big Oil companies
Hint: do you drive?
University of Virginia to Renovate Edgar Allen Poe’s Dorm Room
First, will get rid of annoying birds.
Study: Americans’ Bad Health Habits Unchanged in Last Decade
We’re still a nation of fat, sedentary drunks about to collapse into the gutter of history
ODDS ‘N’ ENDS
Even more royally amused by the fact that the man is Prince Charles.
This Just In!
- Obama should release college transcript, says Bush
- Thirty-seven trapped in data mine
- Spin Doctors Without Borders head to Middle East
- Seniors nix euthanasia as a ‘quick fix’ for Social Security
- Exports lag imports, say experts
- Benevolent dictators coalition embraces humane executions
- Trump promises to rid government of incompetent B-list celebrities
- Bin Laden says ‘I’ve been killed’ in new video
- Tweet Pulitzer goes to unknown
- Romney forms self-exploratory committee
- Firewalkers get cold feet
- Oil companies tout solar-powered gas stations
- FAA ends 36-hour shifts
- Global warming ‘tip of the iceberg’
- High price of hay prompts Amish to take public transportation
- Dictators meet in emergency session
- Trilateral Commission split