Headlines Humor 1 January 30, 2011Posted by tkcollier in Humor, In The News.
Humorous tweaks on recent News Headlines, from our favorite Massachusetts Liberal.
Hu Assures U.S. That China is No Threat
“If you can’t trust your banker, who can you trust?”
Embodiment of Evil Baby Doc Duvalier Makes Surprise and Unwelcome Return to Haiti
Came back for the Tonton Macoute reunion.
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .
Floating Ark Hotel Will Survive Global Ecological Disaster
Offers guests the ultimate in luxury after everyone else has perished.
U. S. NEWS
Poll: Americans Overwhelmingly Approve Most Provisions in New Health Law
But desperately want it repealed, according to Republicans
House GOP Group Proposes to Trim Budget by $2.5 Trillion
They’d begin by cutting taxes.
Jeff Immelt Appoints Obama as Key Advisor
Latest move in pro-government tilt for General Electric
Hu Returns to China With Deal For 200 Jets, Other Goods
In return, we get to keep two giant pandas for a little while longer.
Alabama Governor: Non-Christians “Are Not My Brothers”
Back at ya, Gov. Y’all are more like weird, annoying cousins.
Study: Claims That Most Couples Argue on Thursday Nights at 8
7 Central. But consult your local listings.
Italian PM Berlusconi Denies Wrongdoing
Says he didn’t know that the teenage prostitute that he didn’t have sex with was underage at the time they didn’t have sex.
Fed Okays Comcast Purchase of NBC
Gains control of Conan’s masturbating bear, among other “intellectual property” assets.
KEITH OLBERMANN LEAVES MSNBC
Who he calls “the worst people in the world.”
$4 Gasoline, $5 Coffee Predicted
Some may choose to take the bus, drink gasoline.
Goldman Sachs Reports 53% Drop in Earnings
Send your bailout check to: Goldman Sachs, 200 West Street, New York, NY 10282.
Starbucks to Debut 31-oz “Trenta” Cup Size
Trenta means “thirty” . . . or in this context “far too much” in Italian.
Scientists Find New Life Forms in Unexpected Places
For instance, the back of your refrigerator.
Kangaroos Originated in South America
Island-hopped to Australia.
Researchers Successfully Test Tiny Remote- Controlled Ingestible Capsule
Pill packed with camera, transmitter and three miniaturized researchers, one of them quite beautiful (sorry – you probably have to be my age to get this one).
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: 129 Million Americans Under 65 Have Preexisting Conditions
They all suffer from delusions.
Study: Education Helps Slow Dementia
And vice versa.
Defense Contractors Developing Optically Camouflaged “Invisible” Tanks
Eventually they’ll make consumer version for soccer moms.
Pew Study: The Internet Is Not Destroying Society
Finds it was already ruined.
Study: Attractive People Have Higher IQs
Study was apparently funded by attractive people. Still, to be safe, you might want to ask the homely nerd for help with your homework.
Biggest Single-day Mafia Take-Down In History: Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, Jack the Whack, Junior Lollipops Indicted
But SpongeBob Squarepants, Donald Duck, Turkey Lurkey, and Chuck E. Cheese lawyer up and walk.
Half of All Students Learn Nothing in First Two Years of College
The other half learns nothing in last two years.
Rush Limbaugh “Straight Shooter” Billboard Removed From Tucson Highway
NRA calls removal “unwarranted and ill-advised.”
Average American Spent 34 Hours Sitting in Traffic Last Year
Doesn’t count drivers who left their cars in the middle of the highway, engine running, never to return.
Tourists Name Los Angeles Rudest City
Especially people who live at addresses mistakenly listed on “star maps”.
It’s a $7350 Toilet!
Some of us spend half our lives sitting on one, so why not sit on the very best of thrones? http://technolog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/01/19/5877807-high-tech-toilet-is-super-luxe-and-super-expensive?pc=25&sp=25
What makes this toilet different from every other toilet on the market? Price. $7350, at Snap-a-Fish.
Some Amusing Twitter Tweets Floating Through Cyberspace During Obama’s SOTU address
“Congrats, parents of America. All of your Baby Einstein toys and your posh suburban preschools, and your kids are still the dumbest (bleep)s born in generations. Way to go.”
OBAMA: “If you want to make a difference in the life of a child, become a teacher!”
Or an X-Box 360! Whichever!
“I always thought Boehner’s tan was a vanity issue. But now I realize that it’s leather chair camouflage.”
“America will seize its ‘Sputnik moment’ as soon as it’s finished watching Jersey Shore.”
“How low have our politics sunk that people are congratulating themselves for sitting next to each other?”
“Oh hey, look! – there’s a bunch of a**holes in suits sitting around talking about sh*t that’ll never get done!”
“Boehner’s tear duct tampons seemed to have worked well tonight. ”
“This sh*t isn’t going to run long and cut into Cougar Town is it???”
BREAKING NEWS Boehner Declares End to Civility: ‘Our Long National Nightmare is Over’
“The Tea Party needs a leader with more credibility than Michele Bachmann. I nominate Snooki”
“Michele Bachmann will push Tea Party agenda, including ‘Don’t Add, Don’t Spell’.”
“What the hell is Bachmann looking at? She looks like one of those “eyes following you” paintings, but with a corporation behind it! She’s probably looking off-camera at Sarah Palin’s hand”
This Just In!
- Hundreds of federal agents rounded up by mob
- Baby Doc sublets Paris apartment to Noriega
- White House honors Hu with takeout state dinner
- Apple sees Jobsless recovery
- Weather forces birds to cancel all flights
- Outback Steakhouses sues Outback Outhouses
- Deregulation blamed for fewer regulations
- Bullies beat expectations